Hello September! Bring It On!

So today I will be telling you a story about me.

Truth be told I've been fascinated on the game of influence and persuasion. It is I think my deepest curiosity in life. To have power over others is something that amazes me.

I was fascinated on this since my childhood. This idea was subtly implanted on me, in my opinion, during my childhood years. I was the youngest to the five of us in the family. Being the youngest I was quite the favorite and I enjoyed many easy privileges that my other siblings did had a hard time getting from our parents.

Everything under their custody was for me to conquer.

You know that when you are young there is little we know about altruism, majority of what we do in our younger years come from self interest. The kind of 'What's in it for me?' kind of motive. Only that I had it larger. With that kind of treatment I became a little bewitched of the idea that I can get whatever I want in life so easily. Either by overt persuasion or subtle manipulation. My family was, many times, a victim of this.

One time in my Grade school year and I was 6, the family of my grandparents went on a trip to Western Samar to visit my Aunt for their fiesta celebration. Fortunately I happened to be there with them. My uncle priest was the driver, and the owner of the ride. We stopped over at Tacloban City in Leyte to refuel.

That time I was fascinated at the thought of going to Jollibee, it's been said it was the place for kids. Never been there once and all my life I've wished to go there to see what it feels. We were a little late for the appointment and didn't have much time to go there. Besides, it was adult's trip, not kid's. And my uncle, being the driver, I asked him if he knows Jolibee. He said Yes. Then I asked what does they have, and he replied. I followed up with another question if the food they serve is delicious, and he consigned "Yes" again. In a meanwhile after some silence, I broke out by asking him if you have enough time and and your're hungry would you go and eat at Jolibee? He said Yes again. "Then let's go to Jolibee." I muttered.

That was just one story and it was lighter.

As I grow up, the kind of mindset continued to transform as the number of people I socialize with became much larger - to the school where I was attending, to the little community where we live, and to my circle of friends. All of which became a ground to which I simply wanted to hold influence.

I remember in my Elementary days I formed a group of friends, took charge of them in hunting spiders, for spider fights.

As time pass by, I became increasingly restless and I wanted to do more to get the approval of many people. I wanted them to like me more than just hold a positive regard from them. At first I would appear to be showing them favors but inside I would tell myself I can get what I want from this person by showing kindness first. It was subtle that it got effective most of the time. And I would get frustrated if I didn't get what I wanted

Little did I know it would become my biggest obstacle to overcome in life. Also, would imply the single biggest naivety of mine. I love to be highly appreciated by people and highly regarded. It was for me a fantasy.

When I went to college, I thought I was already winning the game but signs of degeneration started to show. Suddenly I seem to not understand human nature. I thought I was charming. Little by little the world seemed to conspire in my favor and I would blame the circumstances like it was their fault. Then I realized I was living in a world of naivety.  I would get frustrated most of the time. I would rage in anger from unmet expectations. It continued up until today and maybe the major reason why I have this crisis.

Because of that unmet expectations and inability to first understand others gave birth to unhealthy emotions that would propel some of my ugly personalities. And also, though not healthy enough I was able to discern good results from it. I learned you know. :-)

Negative side: wider scale having a hard time to thrive socially. I became disable socially because I was used to making it only one way. My own way.

And positive side: ability to motivate/inspire others.

This awakening came to my attention as of late. I've stretched myself too thin now I need a fresh start. I am now trying my best to be mindful majority of the time.

I digress.

Today, Sunday, I will be traveling to Borongan City to participate in the celebration of the City's fiesta this Tuesday and see my High School classmates. If able, I will try to find time to visit my Alma Mater, the Seminary. I have had cherished and not much cherished memories there. I might go and see it again this time.


Love and Care.