Going Through Ups And Downs

Last night I had again a good time at the gym. If you have been reading my blog in a while, you may notice that I come here to blog when I am emotional. Be it the positive emotion or the negative one. I've been really into writing. Writing for me is a good outlet to share what's in my thoughts and to unload the heavy things I'm feeling at times.

 Sometimes I think I can make a dent into the world by my writing.There had been few people who appreciate my writing style and I'm honored to hearing them that.Writing for me is a life. It is the ultimate expression of my sanity.

For now I want to update to you my status from this crisis. I heard a line from a famous speaker there are two most important days in the life of a man, first, the day he knows the reason why he lives and the second, the day he dies. I'm pretty sure I've not been in one of those 2 days, but I feel I'm getting nearer to the first. I'm not trying to anticipate that day, it comes unpredicted.

 I woke up this morning feeling a bit confident and sure. Some questions I'd been asking myself before seemed like been answered suddenly. I feel a bit of liberation from something that had been bothering me. And for that I am compelled to share some thoughts and ideas that I think is best to be shared in here.

With the things going on inside me, I am somewhat proud and grateful for it. Until now it had been tough and somewhat unsurpassable to imagine having to have a re-haul in my values and views. I even went to have think of really poignant and unimaginable thoughts like thoughts on ending my life, my sexuality if I'm really a man, meaninglessness of my life, going to priesthood, and even to having doubted my faith in God. With all these things and all the months passed I've been in this I feel a bit proud that I am still intact. Bearing the pain without breaking might be a sign that I'm getting stable emotionally. There were days I couldn't find any reason of my existence. But somewhere down there, somewhere down there, I know there is. It's just hard to see it because I am  currently overwhelmed with the ruins and wreckage I face. The added burden is that they're currently trying hard to bring me down making me feel hopeless and lonely.

I failed on a lot of things due to arrogance. And I regret it. Because of my arrogance I failed a relationship that was suppose to grow. I met with defeat in going on an entrepreneurial venture also because of it. I failed my friends and those who trusted me because of that fucking arrogance. I lost presence of mind because I was so consumed with myself. I want to choke this life out of me!

But it happened. No point in going back there. Though I'm feeling really sorry for those things that had gotten sour, I must forgive myself and restart again. I think it is in that way I can make it up to them-the people I hurt.

To you, reading this blog who knows me personally,I want you to know I regret the stupid things I did in front of you. If you feel I've not really hurt you, let me know that I may feel better. I need consolation these days.

I digress.

Last Wednesday, my house was robbed. They took my pouch bag and I lost several important materials including ATM and cash and IDs and documents. I had my neighbors and Brgy. Council took notice of it. And they are now helping me take measures to hunt down the culprit.

But no matter how important the bag I lost, there is nothing more important than the people I cared and cherish much and yet I'm losing because of self-centeredness. A lesson well learned.

Love and Care.