DENASEISM: Feigning To Reality

Reminiscence of my sanctuary has been a favorite part of my accountability. The grandeur produce by this nostalgic feeling is instantly inseparable from the shadow of my emotions. It lessens the emptiness of my being and allows my worries be freed. I put this into account because I definitely wanted to let you know how my life is driven by mediocrities. I would like to impart the thought of how my most cherishable little inspirations brought in perceiving them into less sentimental. I beg you not to listen to me now.

The polemic way of dealing with others is nonetheless the cause of my ambiguous insurgencies. I can't stop being crambazzled due to my resistive indecency. I pretend to be prissier than ever but inside me is a consternation of injustices. I misspell the good things I see from anyone else... I fear I might get used to this. Now, the brute nature of man is completely I manifest.

The manic episodes subside when I digress to see the beauty of the people around me, which least I blindly consider an explicit asset. The obsessive compulsive behavior is at its peak when I find myself intimidated and completely embarrassed. I throw a macrology blaring with ghastly aptitudes, thus making me more empty per se.

I prick my nerves so as not to feel the outburst of others but my problems alone. Too consumed with my dilemmas that I forgot someone other than me is having a heavier situation, assuming to be numb most of the time as to disregard anyone's lamentations. I feign to be the best.

One time, my dishonesty fooled me and castigated the pieces of my last remaining innocence. Later, I found myself shipwrecked and destroyed and could hardly move my extremities to get away from the wretchedness to where I fall. I gasp for air but my paralysed body could not participate in the struggle to inhale every tiny particle from the atmosphere to fill up my decompensated lungs.

I shivered knowing I was about to die. Blood was outpouring from every part of my incompetent system. A blood of despair. I suddenly felt sorry for myself. I pitied so much the dying me. It was an outrageous moment where I turned my thoughts and humbly implore for renewal. Then I mumbled the words "If only I can return the time." But it was too late and I was about to die. There's no way I can pacify everything. The very last presence was lonesome, confused, and disoriented.

A moment later, the dying me was drowned. I drowned my own self. And perhaps the best way to describe it was simply an attempt of suicide that resulted to murder. Rigth now, I'm grossed by this deja vu which hunt the soul to flea from the melancholy of undeprived agape. I lost God when I made a way to overcome the so called 'fidelity' of life, it makes me feel uneasy. I entered the seminary hoping I could discern the true purpose of my existence but was unable to find out. I manage to grasp the meaning of my existence but was restrained from doing so, it's getting heretical each day as I get older. I failed to find what I was looking for.

How I wish I'm gifted with all the the aptitudes that can be shared so as to interrupt my always-pretending-self. I ain't a consummate being and I am honest to say this. My affinity in front of somebody else is always dependent by way of giving a witty repartee. But don't get me wrong always, please. The probity in front of everybody is faked by profused intemperance. Don't get me wrong also with this, please. With all humility, I beg you not to turn your backs on me if I stumble on havocs and shames. It makes me feel alone.

And now, here I am alone sitting in a corner undifferentiated of what to do and whatnot to do. In an instance I might disappear from this rogue world where no one knows where to end up after living an earthly life. I actually don't know what to do with my life. I just want to know the whole truth why I'm here. And I would like to continue the hunt to farther know the meaning of my existence. But still, it's with this 'hope' that keeps the clock ticking. ...Hope keeps me alive.

...Again, if I feel uninspired from time to time, it is due to the higher alcohol in my body than the usual.