The last time I lighted a cigarette was also the time I dared quitting from this soulless habit. I think about quitting at times when I recover from a smoke-induced ailment wherein my air sac filled with tar are sinking to a degenerate, dysfunctional instability.
Now, I'm finding myself at the brink of devastation where I find lighting a stick of cigarette as the only resort of comfort. It's just not enough...
*Loud crash*
Few more minutes passed, I'm lighting a stick of Marlboro again.
*I stop for a moment to consume this merciless stuff with the smoke swirling beneath the balcony as it brings the vast loneliness I keep in myself.*
I don't know if I really got the chops to control the entire outfit of my existence. Before, I used to think that I existed for a reason that is to continue the valuables of my doings and that, I have all the credentials to succeed in all stuffs I'm going to take. But it seems I'm heading to the depth of doubt and disgust. Fate had been too treacherous at me.
This time, I'm lighting again a cigarette, probably my fifth stick since I started the succession from the last 20 minutes.
*smoke swirling in the air as it vanish bringing the fresh disgrace of breath my lungs could possibly cast.*
Treachery. That's the last word I have in my mind right now. It feels so damn stupid to look at a mirror where I see reflection of a man filled with despair... the world had conspired in his favor.
While the rest of my successful batchmates sleep soundly, I am in this sick room lamenting every single second why the hell I deceived my future and my parents. It feels different knowing It's not gonna be a graduate's stage I'll step on but a ladder of failure brought by my stupidity. I all want to choke this life out of everything!
If there is anyone here who would stand in all his might to convince me that I am a disgust, maybe you're on the correct track. If there is any living God dwelling in this world, He is not here with me.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'll last this time.
Help me.
6 comments:
Pray hard bro. It works. :)
huwat.... did you know... that is also the topic that I write just awhile ago... eheheheh... about YOSI.... ehehhehe... wow... nice naman....
Don't lose hope, this is just a minor setback. Believe me when you get older you'll realize what matters more is what you do after a struggle- the lessons you learned and the new determination to succeed.
I don't tell a lot of people this but I quit in my last semester in UP Diliman to work, it was the stupidest decision I made and I paid for it. It made me determined to graduate with honors and pass the board and I did.
Get up on your feet, have faith in God and yourself. It will happen for you in due time :-)
Kaya yan! hold on to your faith, everything will be settled.
Aw. Kaya yan. Pray hard. Nangyari na sa akin iyan. And I'm okay now. =)
kaya yan, andito naman kami para sa iyo. just release lang po yang sama ng loob thru this. everything will be fine. i assure you. there will always be a rainbow after a night of night.
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