Where Did I Get All These?

As promised, I would be posting a topic today requested by a friend of mine Nikki. She asked me to write a note of her own chosen topic that I'd be glad to put it all here at DENASELOGY. This was actually her idea that I came in to appear in front of you once in a blue from a state of boredom.

I actually feel a little woozy until this time from series of drinking sessions for almost a week. And I really have to rest, but since I got carried by her elucidating trick, I once and for all give-in to her.

 "This is Nikki in her best suit. She's pretty gorgeous inside if you mind to look"

But before that, I've been asked last night by a seemingly male friend if he could have a drink with me in a man to man basis, and sleep with me afterward when we get intoxicated. "Fuck yourselve, dude!" He's willing to pay me in exchange for that - he was fucking serious. Did I just say he's a gay?

Speaking of intoxication, do you know that man can actually reveal his deepest secrets when alcohol is oozing all over the body? Man's mind is full of secrets and they are mostly hidden until forcefully chosen to show it to the public. Maybe it's the nature of men to really make their serious concerns inaudible. But alcohol does it, an accomplice to rage serious concerns. It's simply the subconscious state that works when drunk to which the hidden secrets, wishes, desires, traumatic experience are at hidden. It reasons out why I get emotionally expressive when drunk. To the girls reading this, you don't have to get mad at your man when he drinks, it's one way of letting out the madness in him. I'm fascinated by what alcohol can do to men.

So that was literally an ad hoc to what Nikki had given me a topic. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little woozy this time from getting drunk, and what she threw me was kind of nitty-gritty, I mean, a real serious business. So it would initially go hand-in-hand.
...

Have you ever been in love? Have you ever consider yourself you've found your real mate? It's simply not easy to say. Would you mind slap me in the face before you continue the reading.

This morning while scanning back the diary I saved from last year, I got a glimpse of one of the notes I made in it that leaped my attention--had it not been sentimental on me, then I'd ignore it at once--But since it was of note of something certainly essential to me the time I wrote it, I then spared a minute to reread the content.

After reading the note, I intensely popped in to a nostalgia of my past life about having my dream girl. The time I wrote the note was the time I'd decided I was pretty sure about my feeling, and in it I would carve all that is left in me to show my feelings in all I can and away from despair. The time I had the note was the time I kept all in my name to save the feeling and it kept me inspired and compassionate. But as I hold at the fading page of the note this morning, it's gross me to see it was entirely different now from the way I hold it before.

It's strange how feelings can change perceptions. No matter how strange things are, I come to a realisation that we have to accept what those feelings had dictated to make us dignified and stand the strength of the bitterness of the future. What I feel now is entirely different. I don't hold much of the note as much as I hold it before -I had entirely suited the changing phase of my being.

I miss the days of my childhood. I miss the days when all he'd wanted to do was clean up for himselve, play as it were his last day, not minding anyone as of the case of being selfish, laugh aloud with no limits and no one to worry about. The days no burdens and hardships that a child is capable of. I once miss the child... that was me.

But now, what I have are problems that look impossible to find a solution. I have grown out and found the sense of knowing as responsibilities(together with burdens) competed to reach the top. Though I consider myselve mentally strong, I can never escape the trail I'm bounded to suffer from the feelings I thought I was sure of. Recalling these nightmares incurred at me because I failed is at this moment vital.

I had loved a girl and intruded her life, I got busted(oh fuck!). I don't know who's to blame for that but I insist not to rip on this more for it will lead to complication. I believe it isn't anymore debatable. One thing I'm sure I'd want you to know: Love is a disease. Falling in love is like acquiring the worst type of illness the world had ever seen. Once it struck you, you get to know your life is at peril and at any time of the day death may dawn on you. You can't just withdraw a vial of blood to diagnose the disease or treat the underlying in anyways you wanted it to be. Such feeling/disease leaves a scar in the very depth making it thrive almost indestructible. If you are clever enough you can survive and wave your hand for victory while you say goodbye to the disease that once enslave you. But if not, you get confused and simultaneously get delirious and die while sobbing from pain. Such is the pathology of the feeling.

I died once from falling to such disease, I've endured the holocaust, I've pooped this day thrice in row -I've survived them all. Now, I'm here giving the lessons I learned from hardships I passed through. Decisions and feelings are the stuffs that change us. Whether we believe to those stuffs or not, your life matters, and don't kill it.

I had it enough.


One last tiny thing:

What does the graph say you?

 A note to Nikki: if ever you are reading this, I told you I'm worst at this. This is not my style.

Side Note: This is maybe the last post of kind I will make. It constricted my blood vessels leaving me palpitating hard. But anyway, thanks to this post, there's no possible way I could say all these without me writing. Oh shit, I can't breath.

Love and Care.