My Lamentations

My tempest days, fruitless recognitions, empty necessities- a devastating grief. It's been days since I recoil from this unresolved problems, but until now I'm having a hard time to move on. I wanted to drive out this feeling of hatred and anger that till this time haunts my whole being. I want to get rid of this feeling. I want to leave everything that cause my suffering. I want to keep moving forward. By this time, I decided to break my silence. I decided to put in an account my lamentations. Maybe by this point, can help ease the pain I felt.

The myalgia I felt from overdose of stressful works was then ignored by my body while I write this. The desire of my body to rest became numb as I pour myself in making this note. This had been the greatest issue of my life all this time. And this confession felt the most profound gratitude from me - as my way of moving on.

The truest sense of a happy life can be best understood if you put yourself in a seashore walking, with the sole of the feet touches the rough sands, watches the sun rise while the rest of the world sleeps. My life at this very moment is the exact opposite of this. I walk alone in a dusky dawn, consumed with anger and hatred, jolted by insanity, lost and lowly, walking through the dark streets with no single light to guide my path, and screaming while the rest of the world sleeps. Everyone seems to forget me. Time had cheated me. I've been so innocent to the happenings around me that I failed to recognise someone had already fooling me. I was betrayed and humiliated. I become blind to the reality.

Maybe it could had been easier if only I killed myself. I thought for the meantime if ending my own life would be the best solution. But luckily, I still love my life. This will do nothing to solve my problems. Escaping the field is not my want.

I managed to have a quick recovery but my mind seems to have a life of its own. Until now, the pain it bears seems also to be invulnerable.

I often burst into tears everytime I'm alone. I hide this ache everytime I'm with friends and pretend everything is okay. I deny anything is wrong when in public just to cover my agonising self. I fear everyone might see this scam. And what frightens me this time is on how I can recover my ruined self.

The days when at the lowest point of my life I could not hesitate but ask God, "O Lord where are you?" if only I can continue my anguish and say, "save your child." Tears fell from my eyes as I burst all these concerns. Could not help myself but scream.

I can't stop myself...

I've never been afraid of loving, neither I've been afraid to love and love again. But what keeps my fear stay in the core of my being is the wake of failing while showing my real love. I've always been afraid to show my feelings to someone, maybe for the reason that I'm afraid to be rejected. I have this phobia of rejection. I fear getting busted. I may call this bustedphobia, or whatever. but this thing lead me to scream, punch a solid post of concrete cement, drink and smoke a lot, irritated movements, decreased performance in school, inactive participation to activities, and the reason why I'm depressed. I've been busted twice because of girls. The first was in highschool. It had a detrimental effects, and probably the reason why I have this phobia. But because of my heart's persistence, I managed to do it again the second time. But then I failed. This is the reason why I'm continuously in pain. And maybe the reason why I made this note.

I wonder what my hypothalamus has been doing(being the part of the brain that controls feelings). Why did it allow to let me love a girl who knew one day will make my life miserable. I wonder why I did not take any precautionary measures anytime I face situation like this.

I tried to show my kindness, I tried to save a feeling endangered of losing but the contrary(she) deceived me, destiny would not allow.

That events thwarted my lost senses. I have to wake up from this nightmare. I was overwhelmed with problems this past days. I need somehow to refresh, free myself from worries and burdens.

I have come through the worst chapter of my life. Now, I need to face the new chapter. The chapter of new me. I grieve a lot for someone who has nothing to do with me, while my family, the reason why I exist was given little importance. My studies too was taken for granted.

What is important now is I'm alive, and I shall keep moving forward. From this time on I shall not take seriously any relationship that may come to my life, I may entertain but I won't give my life for it. I need to achieve first my long term goals which is to finish my studies, to become professional, to serve people, to continue loving my family, and, to mend my self. I shall make it a point not to bribe myself with the pleasures that constantly give me nothing but suffering. I shall prove to myself that i have limitations, that I need guidance and sense of maturity.

I swear in front of God's eyes I will give my best, show my best, but I will never, NEVER FORGET MYSELF.

Someday, I will learn to stand on my own. Someday, I will see again the long lost euphoria in me, and will learn to smile again the way I smile before. Someday, I will walk in a seashore, watches the sun rise while the rest of the world sleeps.

the eternal sun rise...